How To Make Friends. My Journey and Yours.

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??And the biggest lie of all, is that we tell ourselves we don?t need friends.? ( A personal quote from a talk I gave recently.)

We lead these unnatural lives going from home, to car, to work, to errands and carpool, speaking to people for the most part in terms of transactions. ?How much does this cost?? ?Thank you for watching my child.? Etc.?

And the cost is enormous. We?re lonely, and isolated and that stunts our social interactions even when we?re in a sea of people.

I?ve been through many evolutions with the topic of friends, growing with it as I get older. I share it with you here, because we?re not that different from one another and maybe there?s a part of my story that will resonate with you.

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I?ve always been? surrounded by people and involved in community. And I?ve learned how valuable that is. But? being with people and developing intimate relationships is not the same thing.

How do we go from interacting with dozens of people each day to creating meaningful relationships?

????[Note to dear old friends - This is a generalization. Thank G-d, I've been blessed to have you in my life and as I've grown, my ability to be a friend has grown too.]?????

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Many of my old relationships?were being lopsided. I would either be friends with lovely people but not share myself fully, thinking they would never understand me. (Yup, trust issues there.) Or exclusively? befriend people in need who I could give to.

(Again, trust issues ? I could give to someone without having to share myself.)

Around ten years ago, my newly widowed sister in law, Chev, moved to Baltimore so that she could be near family. Being in her presence,? basking in that? unconditional, open, respectful deeply intimate relationship opened things up for me. I began to be willing to relate at a deeper level, to bring more of me to the friendship then a plate of cookies.

However, thank G-d, two years later she got married to her amazing husband, Paul and moved away to South Africa.

I needed to make friends here. And I was ready.

I began making coffee dates. I realized that one of the reasons (aside for deep familial love) that my friendship with Chev grew was because we spent every Shabbos together. I needed to physically spend time with people if I was going to become friends with them.

So onwards I forged. If I had a great conversation with someone I would invite them out for a coffee sometime the next week. At the time it took a lot of courage.

How?d it go?

Okay.

The coffee dates were nice enough but I forgot something key ? you have to get together a second time! Somehow I just thought a friendship would morph straight? from the muffins at the bagel shop. That?s not how it works. I still have a special connection with the people I spent time with, but we didn?t ever explore the relationship further.

Then I met Aviva. Her kids were homeschooling at the time and it was the first I?d ever heard of it. My heart was exploding with the idea.

I called her the next day and asked her for information. And the next and the next. I began to homeschool my kids. I would have done with her the same as I did with my other new friends; lost touch, not taken it further, stayed lonely.

Except, that one fine day she knocked on the door, came over with her (then) 6 kids and spent the afternoon.

And a day or two later she invited my kids over.

I mean it when I say this, if she would not have made the effort our new friendship would have withered away into nothingness instead of lasting for all these years. I learned so much from that.

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Which brings me up to date. These days G-d has brought amazing people into my life. The experience of being in a true friendship has opened me up to all types of people and has made me willing to trust? more.? What I still need to work on is a new trap that I?ve fallen into; Being busy.

Although I know some of the? most incredible people, I?m having a hard time making time to cultivate relationships. Work and family are keeping me busy and I?m not making friends a priority. I can feel how much I?m losing out. And I?m ready for a change.

I?m pretty sure I?m not alone in this.

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You cannot underestimate the importance of good friends, but it takes a looong time to realize we?re not in high school anymore and you have to go out of your way to make friends.

Don?t be shy to say to yourself, ?I want to make more friends.? This is really important stuff!

Below is the? technical guide. The real? first step is that you have to be the best you can be; a loving, non judgmental, caring, positive person with room in your heart for another. That?s a whole other discussion.

Also, making friends can happen in a ll kinds of magical ways. This little step by step is specific towards navigating busy community life.

How to Make Friends

1.? Train yourself to have a good eye.Look for the positive traits in other people, comment on them. Look for the positive traits in yourself, enjoy them.

2. Take note of which traits you value.

3. Look for people with those traits.

4. Strike up a conversation. Be sincerely interested. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Share a little bit of yourself (that?s the trust part) and see how it goes.

* Here?s where friendship and? a date differ. You don?t have to have an immediate click in order to pursue a friendship. You?re not looking for romance, you?re looking for someone you can trust, a good person.

5.Pursue?the friendship; Give them a Good Shabbos call, posting on their FB wall doesn?t count. Invite them over or visit them. Bring over random flowers or a lovely scented candle.If there?s something you both like ? offer to do it together. How about learning Torah or taking a power walk together?

If your kids are playing with theirs, when it?s time to pick them up, don?t just say thank you and leave. Linger a bit. Use your common sense- If it?s a crazy time, don?t linger, but otherwise assume that you will both benefit from a little more human interaction.

Above all, in these fast paced times, don?t wait for a better time to pursue a friendship. There is no better time. The time is now.

And this is it. My simple recipe for friendship. Find good people, have courage, and spend time with them.

I always think as I stand on the elevator, ?We think we?re strangers, but if we were stuck here together, after just a few hours we?d be good friends.?

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Source: http://rivkamalka.com/how-to-make-friends-my-journey-and-yours/

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